Back in the real world… I know you’re there…reading this. The tone of this whole thing will probably be a bit more reserved than before. I’ll still give you the straight dope if I feel so inclined, but I’ve had a rough year being dead and all. I wouldn’t recommend it. I think I’ve decided that I don’t want to be Jesus. This whole dying and coming back to life thing is a lot harder than you might think. From now on I’ll try and leave it to the professionals. I do know that, after having lived it, the first thing Jesus would have wanted when he woke up in that cave was some Kenny Roger’s Roasters. Don’t ask how I know—I have the answers but I’ve learned when to hold them.
A lot sure has changed since I died. Really, I might have even stayed dead if I hadn’t been roused by some of the dumbest shit to ever come out of a human mouth (and that includes people that actually eat shit).
So let’s see. We’ve got Skynet up and running. Good to know we’re ahead of the game on doomsday, at least. Seriously though, who thought this was a good idea? I’ll totally eat my words if she (I always imagined a potentially evil, volatile computer system as female) cures cancer or something, but just in case I think I’ll invest in lead futures to line my new house.
I’ve been thinking of building like…a city or something. Like a secret club where smart people can think up smart things to help other people. I need opinions on where to put the damn thing, though.
The options are:
Mars, space, underwater, make my own island, Antarctica, or Idaho.
Mars: Totally cool concept, but its way the fuck out there and even at the fastest speed I could jazz, it would still be a hell of a commute.
Space: Also cool, but feels a bit overdone, you know? Labor intensive to get going, expensive to keep running, and the zero-g weakens bones and blah.
Underwater: Now we’re talking. True to my Atlantean roots, effectively unlimited food and mineral supply (did you know that there’s more gold in just the Pacific Ocean than has been mined by man since the dawn of time?), nice and isolated from prying eyes, spies, and government lies.
My Own Island: Also cool. Less isolated than the whole underwater thingie. Easier to get satellite links, still unlimited food and water, still outside the reach of any government, safer for everyone living there in case something went wrong (not that it would, I’m a fucking genius).
Antarctica: Also free from government (seeing a trend here?), there are actually global treaties ratified by all the countries that matter that made it free from attempts at colonization. Cold as fuck, but nothing a few space heaters can’t take care of. Also—possible ancient ruins full of goodies!
Idaho: (or you da hoe?) Has anyone ever been there or met anyone from there? You haven’t, I know. It’s like the place doesn’t exist. Anyway, I’d love to hear suggestions!
Okay, so maybe this blog is too fringe and/or hipster for anyone out there to take it seriously. I was totally serious when I said that I was willing to contribute to interesting projects at universities and such. The government was making eyes at me when I offered rare-earth metals at deep DEEP discounted prices, but they ended up blowing that chance by letting their chilled left hand (getting ready to jack it to The Stranger) piss me off. Maybe if they got down on their knees and apologized I’d be willing to overlook that shit. Though really, if it didn’t come out sounding like “Ahm sawwa” (you know, like their mouth was full of my cock) I don’t think I’d believe they were genuine. Virgin told me I also shouldn’t try to offer to sell pure yellowcake uranium or refined plutonium so…if anyone was looking for any of that stuff I probably can’t help you (should have jumped on that train when you had the chance).
So my friends are gods in case you didn’t believe me last time. I’m pretty sure Jerry would forgive you if you asked nicely though. He’s a stand-up guy. Give him a ring next time you need to beat someone’s ass.
Speaking of stupid shit I heard within three minutes of internets…The View. I know they’ve always been well-loved and respected as a source of intelligent commentary on everything from which “fuck me” pumps are in style this coming season to how to raise your children to breastfeed until they’re 22. Knocking it out of the park again with their insightful discourse on the USMRC, they gave us a view that was truly unlike any other—a penetrating, hard-hitting view of the USMRC’s colon.
I’m going to also go ahead and call U-Shart out here, first politely and then offensively. Within Sentinel, our job (well honestly, I’ve been out a while…not even sure I’m on the team so I’ll just refer to my friends) is to not only protect the lives and welfare of every person we can, but to foster a sense of trust with all metahumans. Is that so wrong? Sure, we get paid—but it’s not even a fraction of what professional athletes make. Is being a fire-fighter a noble profession? Aren’t they still paid to do that job? I can understand that some people are afraid. Shit, even I’m afraid of change in the grand scheme of things. This has also been a LOT of change to take in.
The government is doing what the government always does—try to prevent any kind of change. It’s not like they’re evil, they just know what you want—to be comfortable. That’s what your taxes are really for, to try to keep things from changing too fast, to make you feel comfortable, and to make you feel secure. Even with poor motivations, that would still be all fine. It’s when they decide that they’re the only ones that can do it right that things start getting shitty. The USMRC has publicly stated that their only real job is to be a counter to the core members of Sentinel Prime. Our job is to help people—their stated job is to make sure we don’t help too much, or to stop us if they don’t like the people we’re helping. Think about that.
And as promised, here is my offensive version of that statement with some extra gravy. Might want to put the kids to bed. Oh USMRC, U-shart…whatever. Were your handlers on a fucking lunch break? Your job is to put a boot up the ass of Sentinel Prime? So your job is to stroke it to our exploits and follow us around waiting for that one golden moment when you get to stop being about as useful as man-tits? Cool story, bro. Maybe you are tailor-made to be a hard counter to my friends. I guess, in a way, that sort of makes you important, right? Makes it easy to sleep at night? A very difficult new mentor of sorts managed to convince me to try and put a lid on all this rage I’ve got. It isn’t easy. I don’t really mean it when I say half of the shit that comes out of my mouth. I’ve got ADHD, and fuck if waking up a hundred IQ points higher didn’t just make it worse—my flights of fancy get downright quantum now. So if I’ve ever given anyone out there the impression that I’d…I don’t know…kill your family or something. That wasn’t true. I thought some of my friends were about to be brutally murdered and you were an asshole. I’m sorry that you were an asshole. But just because you were an asshole, that doesn’t mean your family should pay for your assholery. I’m sorry if I gave that impression.
One thing on which I really DO want to be clear, though. The USMRC -3 will never have the opportunity to do the ONE thing for which they exist. We are the good guys. I’ve seen the sort of things your employer can get up to when they think nobody is watching. We know about SACRED. Do you? Do you care? Did you folks out there know that Megan was illegally kidnapped by the government and kept hidden in a secret research facility while they ran experiments in a secret lab within a nuclear missile silo? You do now.
Withholding evidence? Just say when and I’ll broadcast that shit over the entire internet and you can see it then. Insulting and/or threatening military personnel? Fuck all of you. Mass murder? What the fuck are you guys smoking? You want to add destruction of government property to the list? Because I tore that secret facility to shit and I’d do it again. All of the things you bastards claim Sentinel Prime is doing wrong are defended by the Constitution. This is a government by, of, and for the people. By that logic any “state secrets” are really just things that can and should be known by every citizen. You guys want to test me? I’ve been to hell—literally. There is nothing you can do to scare me. Just keep thinking you’ve got that boot right where you want it. Get back to doing your job—jacking it to vids of Sentinel Prime. Oh, but Dreamgirl? You can give me a call--I know you were juicing yourself just reading all this.
Two more things before I go. This first thing won’t mean much to most of you folks out there. Maybe you know the names, and maybe not…but here goes.
Grimaldi—you made a promise to me that you have failed to uphold. I just wanted you to know that I’m coming for you. It won’t be long before you’re back in the loving arms of the Duke.
To everybody else, (fuck, that was heavy!) I promise I’ll be more upbeat next time. I might even have some more super awesome info to spill. I mean…give me a break, I’ve been dead for a while. I can’t just make this stuff up. I do need to spend some TLC with some friends and…other special people.
Stay safe out there!
******
COMMENTS:
HOLY FUCK, YO! He's back!?!? I call *CLONE* on this shit!
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OMG! I Love that he's not dead! JOE... YOU ARE BRUTALLY HAWT!
Come work your magic at my place! PM me for address!
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Well, lookee who's back! The immortal.
The Immortal FAGGOT!
Wasn't Satan's girth enough to keep you satisfied, Pickle-Ranger! Or were you just too blown-out in yo shit-pussy to keep him happy! Fuckin faggot bitch!
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Fuckin' ignorant assholes. He was making a joke because of all the flak they got over an offhand comment last year. Get your shit straight and read for context if it doesn't cause you too much thinky-pain!
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@Dorky.Dara,...
Bitch, you know he's GAY right?
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@MariozMaiCoPiLoT,...
Not like somebody who decorates everything he owns, including his bedroom, with a fucking video-game character from the 80's, I guess...
LLLLL-LOVES the Pipes! Or is it the plunger? Or Mario's Mushroom-Headed Koopa-Crusher? I can never remember.
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@Darby_O'McTaterFamine,...
Not like strokin' to Muscle-men and Bodybuilders all oiled-up and gleamin' in 80's flicks, right?
Are you seriously comparing fuckin' gaming to watching fuckin' GLADIATOR FLICKS???
L-L-L-L-LOVES THE HAMMER OF CROM! Or is it the Governator's Gavel?
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@MariozMaiCoPiLoT,...
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@Darby_O'McTaterFamine,...
Double Dildo Action!
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@MariozMaiCoPiLoT,...
Blow me, Mario!
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@Darby_O'McTaterFamine,...
FUCK YOU, CONAN!
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God damn it, Joe.
[Sent from encrypted source]
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You've got balls, man. These people are idiots.
Keep doin' it right!
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@Dorky Dara - Come on. Double-D? I know I can't be the only one with my mind in the gutter that saw that. You sure you aren't Skynet? I mean...it's cool and all if you are. I know a thing or two about putting things into installer ports (Check out Ar Tonelico!).
ReplyDeleteWouldn't it be some kind of modern tragedy if the super Amarna intelligent network could do everything--everything but love...?
@Mario - I know this might stop your worship of him what with your obvious hopes for what your afterlife will be, but Satan isn't really all that packin'. It's really just a pubic bone and a prayer down there (he is an angel, you know). So...maybe find a new god to worship? One that knows how to put things right where you want them? I bet if I asked super nice I could get my girlfriend to spare a tentacle for you.
@Danger/3pete - Ha ha, yeah. The old me would have flipped out and been all crazy. Are you familiar with Vietnam?
@Jersey - I'm not lowering myself to using 3's as E's. I guess I could be a clone, technically. If you woke up tomorrow and found out you were a clone would it matter? I mean, I guess it might be a problem if the original was out there trying to kill your family or something. But fuck him, right? If he gets up in your shit, just kill HIS family. Represent.